I lost a great man on July 10, 2005. It was a month after I had graduated High School, I got a call from my mother saying ” Dad wouldn’t make it through the day”. I tell you my heart must have jumped out my chest, I didn’t know what to say or emotion to feel. Even though I held it together when everyone was around I was really a train wreck. I didn’t want him to go because I needed him he was my back bone.
My father was diagnosed with Hepatitis C in my freshmen year of high school, when I was battling my own illness. I remember he never wanted to show me that he was in pain. One day he must have felt really nauseous and instead of going to the bathroom he ran outside in the back instead and coming back in as if nothing had happened. He spoke nothing of it and neither did I.
To this day I still can’t recall when things took a turn for the worst. It went from him taking shots daily to being placed on the liver transplant list within 2 years. I could look in his eyes and tell he was in so much pain, but never said much. He held on and stayed humbled with a smile that could bring sunshine in a dark room.
I really regret distancing myself from him once things became worse, but I couldn’t see him that way. It tore me apart and my heart became cold. I did some things in my life that I am not happy about. Pain must be dealt with or it can ruin your life. Not one outlet made it better it just made it worse, and I hurt a lot of people in the process.
When I was given the news that he had gone home to be with the Lord, I cried but really all I felt was anger. When I was taken to the hospital, I saw him lying there lifeless at that moment I died inside. My life got buried when he did, no words to say to anyone what was the point. I was hurting and didn’t know how to release it.
Life was happening around me and it’s not like I couldn’t enjoy it, I kind of unlearned how to enjoy it. My emotions controlled me like a puppet, I tried so hard to just be normal. I was not the type to ask for help, you can say I got that from my father. I knew if I asked for help more people would try to be involved in my life, and I didn’t want to add to my circle. I was already a mess. I needed something that would heal my mind, body and soul so I, could be a better person.
The only thing in life that kept me grounded was God. I had to ask God for forgiveness because I put the blame on him for taking my father. But, God was the only thing that gave me comfort in my time of need. Some people look at me crazy when talking about God healing and being so many things. To me he is the real deal, He has done so much for me. Even though my healing process is just starting in 2016, I never felt so good.
It has taken me 11 years to finally breathe and let God fully take control of my life. There is nothing anyone can do or say to take the love of God from me. This is who I truly am, I can’t change it. I had to realize this is who God intended for me to be. His purpose for my life must be fulfilled and it can’t happen with loads of baggage weighing me down.
I realized these things: I can’t bring my father back, he is gone and is in a better place. I wouldn’t be able to allow my faith to grow as big as it is. My Father was a man of faith and he taught me well, but I was always depending on him and others to speak for me or defend me. I can’t learn to truly be myself if I, never think for myself. I wanted to be happy and do what I love for a change. I want people to love me for who I truly am and not the person with the smile on the outside and hurt, anger and pain on the inside.
I love my father and miss him dearly, but it’s time to let him rest in peace. It’s time to find my own peace and happiness and remember the times we shared and cherish them. It feels like a whole new world since I let him go, as if I have been holding my breath for 11 years and finally exhaled.
Thank you Pops for being my best friend, you were the greatest man I knew. The best father a girl could wish for, I love you and appreciate the faith you installed in me.
Rest in God
Love Always, Shawnee