I can sit here and cover up another scar, and pretend like it’s not happening. I am so tired of running from heartbreak, so many years I held heartbreak inside and it tore me apart. So many people keep this topic to themselves and yet they are emotionally frustrated and hurting from their loss. Losing a child even though it was never born, as the mother, you still feel grief, sadness, and pain.
You wonder what went wrong or if you could have done something different to change the outcome. I’ll be honest I quoted the scriptures back to God saying ” This is what your word says God, and I stand on it”. I prayed and prayed, I even fasted for my child that it would be okay. I would be lying if I said I was completely okay with the outcome. I’m still not, but God is still God at the end of the day.
As believers it is hard for us to comprehend loss, we pray and we fast putting our total faith is God, believing for miracles because we know the miracles Jesus performed in the bible putting it into the atmosphere and standing on that tiny mustard seed faith. In hopes to save the lives of the people, we want to stay. I had faith that my father would survive his battle but when he didn’t I, let it destroy me and my faith. No matter what we did God still took him, not because he didn’t hear our cries or prayers. It was time, God’s time my father did great works, and left behind powerful lessons to remember and live by.
I can sit here all day and ask God what happen, but that’s not me anymore.I have to choose to keep my faith and ask God what’s next for me instead. Yes, I may shed a tear here and there because I carried this child for 12 weeks and I can’t help but wonder what it could have been.
This lesson makes me stronger, I had a dream 6 weeks ago that I would miscarry and tried to shake it off. The dream was so vivid, I woke myself up crying. I had almost forgotten about the dream until the doctor did my first ultrasound and notice the baby not growing as he/she should be. I prepared myself for the news I received today, already knowing what she would say, but somehow hoped it changed overnight. The results were as expected, and with my disguised happy voice told her okay and thank you for the results. God’s time is God’s time.
Even though my heart desire was to be pregnant and have another child at 30, and was hoping this child would make it doesn’t shake my faith, it just makes it a lot stronger. Sometimes the devil is hoping if something or someone that you care about dies or gets hurt it will change your outlook on life and cause chaos, but he mostly hopes you may give into him (not so). It’s okay if God is for me who can be against me. Heaven just gained another angel.
Rest in God’s Love my sweet Angel baby ( Tell papa hello for me)
12-12-16 (Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer) (12:12- The number 12 is a combination of numbers 1 meaning, ” Stay positive” and 2 meaning ” Keep the faith”.)